By: Chris "Sledge" Douglas
Welcome to the second edition of the Fast Forward Review, where I try to get back into modern pro-wrestling, but the show often doesn't let me.
Last time I did this, I fast-forwarded quite a bit, but I still ended up watching a good amount of the program. I think I watched at least close to two hour's worth, and that was a strongly "meh" episode. How much will I actually subject myself to today? Well, I guess now's as good a time as any to find out!
So... Kane is a suit-wearing a authority figure now? That's just weird. And an authority figure that apparently still has no ACTUAL authority? What's the fucking point?
Vicky comes out. I fast forward.
Randy Orton vs. Goldust and Cody Rhodes
This British crowd is weird. Initially chanting "Goldust" then cheering for nobody, the only thing I could assume is that they're doing it to amuse themselves. I know I'm certainly not amused. They didn't even wake up until Big Show came out at the end and did his thing. The inappropriate crowd reaction, if you can even call it "reaction" forces me to fast forward at least partially through this match. By the time I stopped, the crowd got even LESS reactive. It ends with Orton going out for the count out. It does nothing for the Cody and Goldust, and it makes Orton look like a chicken shit. The only persons who got reactions here were Big show and SOMEHOW Daniel Bryan, who wasn't even involved in the match. Ugh. Not a good sign.
Puerto Rican Mexicans come out and I fast forward.
Apparently they teamed with Santino against 3MB, and I don't have a font large enough to tell you how much I don't care about this.
WWE authority figures are talking. I fast forward yet again.
Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow
I don't care and neither does the crowd. For anybody. Seriously, if this crowd ISN'T going to make any noise at all, why THE HELL did they even bother to come and spend their money here? Sandow with the "You're Welcome" for the 3. That's gotta be one of the dumber modern wrestling move names. At least this match was a little bit fun, but that fun was really sapped by the non-responsiveness of the crowd. Even during the theme music these guys are not responding. Wow.
Dolph Ziggler vs Curtis Axel
Again, very little reaction any from his crowd. Apparently Orton and Ziggler are trending, and these guys must have a really really really low standard to consider something trending. Michael Cole desperately tries to hype up the importance of the IC championship by mentioning Pat Patterson, Honky Tonk Man, Austin et cetera. Well, they should have worried about that before DOWNGRADING THE TITLE so much over the years. Axel with a vicious drop kick for the two count. Ziggler returns a dropkick for a two count. That was a little bit of a fun spot. 10 elbow drops for 2 count, and he just barely even touches the turnbuckle as he's tossed over the top rope. That spot is repeated in the K-Mart Fan Central replay. Interesting note, here in Waterbury, CT, our long time K-Mart just shut down this week. So there you go... desperate for ANY sort of promotion. Another interesting note, while both guys where down, one of the fans spills his soda on to his friend while counting along with the rest. Yes, I'm THAT bored. Another replay, this time for the FREAKING slingshot move? Since when is that a move that's deserving of a replay? Axel does a backdrop suplex, and Cole says, "shades of his father." Really? I'll have to look that one up, but I don't think so. Well, at least the crowd seems to be getting more and more into this match. Thank god they're into SOMETHING. Axel with some sort of twisting faceplant for the victory. Some interesting moments here, and not at all by the on-screen competitors. But overall just another TV match
Sibling-like bickering between Kane & Maddox. I just don't care. Fast forward.
Apparently all authority figures speak the same way, with the same tones and rythms. FAST FORWARD.
A Bella vs. Tamina Snuka
I didn't even recognize Tamina here at first. Apparently the Bella here is Nicki, and I still don't care. At least this match is at least somewhat interesting being that I am a heterosexual male and I get to look at women now, and just as I think about that, there is a "this is awesome" chant by two guys. Wow. In all seriousness Tamina's power display is pretty good. But unfortunately an awkward headscissors by Nikki Bella brings this match back down. The crowd chants for tables. Don't think that's going to happen. AJ takes care of both of the Bellas and Tamina goes for a slightly awkward Superfly splash for the big V. Brie avenges her partner with an admittedly nice dropkick to no reaction. AJ's antics and Tamina made this match at least a little worthwhile.
Wow... so far I've gotten through an hour and a half's worth of stuff in only about a half hour. Fantastic!
So they are using their reality show to build up to a match. I don't know what I think about this.
Fandango vs. Tyson Kidd
So Natalya and Kidd are having marital issues already? I didn't see any reaction to this while they were making their entrance. NO SALE. Nice spot where Kidd kick flips over the top rope and then hits a dropkick. Nice Rana of the apron from Kidd as well. Kidd goes for a sunset flip but Fandango sits down for the three count. Meh. Oh look! The crowd woke up singing along to Fandango's theme. At least THAT's something. Okay, to be fair they DID react pretty well to this match... albeit somewhat mutedly.
Cena comes out to some booing (which my phone, via voice recognition recognized as, "Tina comes out in the boonies"). Meanwhile some REAL Americans come out and they cheer. However, one promo and good old Dutch Mantell has the crowd turning back against the heels. Some bipolar "let's go Cena, Cena sucks" chants break out as a match begins. I guess this is indeed yet another 2 on 1 match. For Christ's sake. Now a "we the people" chant. I'm so confused. And Del Rio comes out to interfere, with full music and everything. I'm even more confused. How are these guys allowed to do that? "Yeah I'm going to interfere in this match. Could you play my music? Thanks." Always thought that was a ridiculous idea.
PARAGRAPH-BREAKING NEWS!
Ladies and gentlemen... I am now at the 2 hour mark of the show, and it's barely been 40 minutes!
Great uppercut spot from Cesaro to Cena. Some great teamwork between Cesaro and Swagger. Of course I assume nobody else is surprised by that, but I appreciate the little things. Another uppercut much later for a 2 count. Very impressive. Cesaro is clotheslined over the top rope and Del Rio comes in for the interference. So far there has been no bell. Where's the timekeeper? As a former time keeper myself, I'd have rung the bell at least 14 times! Del Rio cross armbreaker to Cena while his arms are wrapped in a chair. While I think that's an interesting idea, the way it was executed doesn't look particularly painful. In fact, if anything, it looks less so. Langston comes in and saves Cena. Welp, Vince's big man fetish is back in full swing.
More authority bickering. I keep fast forwarding.
Ryback vs. R-Truth
I do have to admit that I got a little bit of enjoyment out of Truth's rapping down to the ring, especially now that he's mocking his opponent. After beating on Truth for a while Ryback gets rolled up for the quick three count.
Langston vs Del Rio
I fast forward through most of this, as its just your normal everyday nothing and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING match. Crowd chants "we are awesome" and I couldn't disagree more. I disagree very much. Del Rio with the cross armbreaker and Langston taps. Meh.
Paul Heyman makes the ring, and I stop fast forwarding. Wait, so Ryback turned against Heyman? God, Heyman is such a great old school manager! He blames the fans for his predicament saying it's all their fault that Punk beat him up. He also talks junk about Manchester. He says he wants them to be a witness to his public declaration of him declaring his vengeance. Says he's going to hang over him like a sword of Damocles. Punk's music comes on and he starts quivering and screaming! Seriously, GOD BETTER F'N BLESS Paul Heyman. As Punk is making his way to the ring, Heyman's look reminds me of a scared white grandmother on a downtown New York subway. When Punk grabs the Singapore cane, Heyman looks like he's about to cry. Punk spinning the wheelchair around and then dumping that man on to the ground was admittedly funny and now Punk wailing on him with the Singapore cane is such a great babyface come back it's beautiful. Danielson comes out now to join the fray. Apparently Kane made this match. Who cares.
Shield vs. CM Punk and Daniel Bryan
As good as these guys usually are, and I'm talking about ALL of them, it's not enough to keep me from fast forwarding. Yet ANOTHER freaking slingshot. Please retire this move already. Cole has the NERVE to ask how awesome have these fans have been so far tonight. Is he watching the same fucking show we are? The crowd finally wakes up when Bryan makes the hot tag to Punk as he hits the corner knee and then the Macho Elbow. Bryan gets a tope, then gets knocked over with a clothesline and then Punk hits a tope of his own. GTS on Reigns but Ambrose gets a quick roll up for the 2 count. Sleeper countered to the Anaconda Vice and the Wyatts make their entrance. The Wyatts and Roman Reigns argue for some time while a giant CM Punk head emanates from the crowd. And now its Shield vs the Wyatts. This is wild. They fight for a bit until they all decide to team up against the faces and this is where my recording cuts out.
The Conclusion:
Goddamn this show was AWFUL. I am really trying SO hard to get back into the fold, but with shows like these THEY JUST WON'T LET ME.
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