By: Chris "Sledge" Douglas
As those who have listend to Episode 1 of the PuroWAVE Podcast (a new episode coming soon!) know, I've kinda fallen OUT of love with pro-wrestling in general and WWE in particular. But, I want to like it. And I will stop at NOTHING to get that excitement I used to feel back!
So now I've done it. I've finally done it. I've now convinced myself to watch and review modern RAW. I'm already regretting it, so I hope that it's worth it to somebody to catch this. Just so you know, I refuse to put myself through the entire 3 hours, so I will literally use the remote control to fast forward through the garbage segments. So needless to say if you are looking for an absolutely comprehensive review, look elsewhere. With that in mind, let's take a look at RAW eminating from Pittsburgh, PA!
Opening Talk Segment:
Stephanie comes out and is that her new music? Keep in mind the last time I heard and saw her entrance, she still had that awful Lil Kim song. That one pink ring rope thing reminds me of primarily female CAW leagues like OJ-FWA (cheap plug!) and Allure, not supposed testosterone-driven "Entertainment." There was an awkwardly long pause between Stephanie's calling out of Big Show, and his eventual entrance. As I did not watch the episode last week, nor did I watch anything from the PPV, I am a little unsure as to what happened and why.
Stephanie has that naturally evil charisma, not unlike her father. I'm actually kinda liking this.
However, the segment ends with a whimper. It was really building up to something good, but then he gets fired, and he does nothing but smile and leave.
Oh they're still doing those "Did You Know" text screens? Good God when is that self aggrandizing stuff going to end?
Dolph Ziggler vs Damian Sandow
Cool, in the midst of all this "Entertainment," and I use that term LOOSELY, we might actually have a wrestling match breaking out. Mid-match vocals are sorely underrated, and I'm seeing a great deal of it from Damian Sandow here, and I'm liking it. Sandow being shown here to be very very aggressive. Ziggler has a number of hope spots, leading to Ziggler being a house of fire finally sending Sandow out where he's able to follow him and keep beating on him. Do these guys have any storyline history? Because it really seems so, the way Ziggler's just going at him. Oh shut up about Twitter trending already Cole. Sandow has a great face for frustration. Ziggler wins it with the fame asser out of nowhere. 3 stars. Perfectly acceptable.
Brad Maddox get his testicles removed by Steph. Don't really care too much about this. So I guess hes going to make an announcement now. Great.
During the break, Bruno Sammartino has happy birthday sung to him by the crowd. I'm so sorry Bruno.
Great... divas match.
Alicia Fox, Aksana and Rosa Mendes vs Natalie, Eva Marie and Jojo
Who Jojo? While I'm not a fan of any of these girls besides Natalie, Aksana has a pretty solid elbow. Jojo makes the not so hot tag to Natalie, and that leads to her nice spinning clothesline which THEN leads to the Sharpshooter. 1 star. This didn't need to be a tag match. This could have just done well as a singles match for Natalie. Don't think Eva Marie even had a chance out there.. It was just all Jojo and Natalie. Well, at least I can confirm that women's wrestling is still a joke on TV.
Maddox comes out and surprisingly, the WWE app voting announcement does not get booed this time. Booker T is announced as one of the candidates, and I start fast forwarding as soon as he opens his mouth. I like Booker T enough as a wrestler, but I don't have time to listen to his pitch.
Ah, FANTASTIC, here come the Mexican Puerto Ricans
Los Matadores (with midget) vs Jinder Mahal and Heath Slater (also with midget)
Fast forward. No need to watch this match. Jobber pap. And I have no problem with jobber matches, but I saw ZERO need to waste time here.
Sweet, a Paul Heyman segment! An awkward moment occurs when Paul tries to segway into a video clip that's supposed to show CM Punk's cheating... and it's just a still frame. That was some awkward silence.
Really? They're censoring the word balls now?
Curtis Axel played no part in this. He is SUCH set dressing now. R-Truth comes out and apparently it becomes a tag match.
R-Truth and CM Punk vs Curtis Axel and Ryback
Axel gets the receiving ends of both the GTS and R-Truth's weird flippy fameasser type thing.
2 stars for the way too long Ryback offense, and standard tag team hot tag formula that has been seen a million times. And I have a feeling that that's not going to be the last time I give that exact same explanation for such ratings in the near future.
OH MY GOD Bob Backlund! He kinda rambled in typical Bob Backlund fashion about how he'll make a good decision, because he was both a good guy and a bad guy, and said that if anybody gets outta line, he'll put them in the crossface chicken wing. So far my vote's for Bob.
Note: My voice recognition did some magic changing crossface chicken wing to crawlspace chicken wing. That STILL sounds terrifying.
Oh, Kofi! Kofi is alright. Oh wait. He's facing off against Orton.
Kofi Kingston vs Randy Orton
Fast forward.
Oh, apparently Daniel Bryan comes out mid fast forward, and dives onto Orton. Not sure what the finish of the match is, but at least the camera guy got knocked down.
Why are WWE officials so picky as to when they're going to come out and stop a fight? Just last week, I caught the ending of RAW, and these officials were nowhere to be seen.
Alberto Del Rio talks to Vicki. I fast forward. The last time I was paying attention to RAW, Alberto Del Rio was making a very awkward face turn. I guess that's over.
And here's the third candidate for special ref, and the one I'm assuming is going to win. Shawn Michaels. Really, HB shizzle? He mentions how he's friends with Triple H and how he trained Daniel Bryan, but he's not going to be swayed either direction. They explain how to install the app again, and again, I fast forward. And judging on how Cole kept repeating it afterwards, I guess it's going to become a thing. I HATE IT ALREADY.
Wow. I'm already at the 2 hour mark with Alberto del Rio coming out now. I'm never going to watch this live ever again, not when a perfectly functional DVR is available. Apparently Del Rio's secret opponent was his former manager, Ricardo Rodriguez. I don't care.
Alberto del Rio vs Ricardo Rodriguez
Vicky distracts Del Rio by announcing that his opponent at the next pay per view is John Cena, and Rodriguez rolls him up for a quick win. Rodriguez is then destroyed by Del Rio. I still don't care
Not a real match. No rating..
Again, where are those officials that were just out there for Brian and Orton? Are they just fine with this? Well, at least we're getting multiple Refs this time.
Zack Ryder vs Fandango
Man, Ryder has fallen hard. Fandango on the other hand has really really good crispness of execution (which voice rec typed out as "Christmas of execution"). For one of the most followed athletes in the world, Zack Ryder sure has a lot of trouble getting these fans behind him tonight. Boy, the WWE really did a number on him from 2 years ago. Fandango wins with the WWF Superstars Hulk Hogan top rope leg drop.
2 stars. Pure formula.
Now we find out who will win the special referee spot at Hell in a Cell. Gee I wonder who will get it. Still I'm pulling for Backlund.
OH OF COURSE its Shawn.
Wow... Backlund got second? And Booker T was THAT far behind?
Real Americans vs Santino Marella and Great Khali
Jack Swagger tries so hard, but I STILL can't feel a lick of emotion either way about him. Antonio Cesaro's double stomp move reminds me of the time when I did that move to somebody else in my yard-tard days. I broke his leg.
...
I didn't say they were GOOD days.
Cesaro for the win with the giant swing on Khali. Apparently Khali was too dizzy to get up.
2 star match. Cesaro does his swing to Hornswoggle, and this match rating increases half a star.
The Wyatts interrupt The Miz's talk show thing, I don't even remember what it's called. However, I popped a little inside when it happened. A sort of beat-down happens... I guess.
More Brad and Stephanie, and Triple HHH makes his appearance. Says he's going to do what's best for business. Well, that'll be a first.
The Shield make their way to the ring, and one unfortunate fan decides to stand in the way, and he's quickly accosted by security. Well guy, thanks for trying.
Cody Rhodes, Goldust and Daniel Bryan vs The Shield
This oughta be interesting. Goldust starts off with some Gold Dust Tactics, and we're underway. Cody Rhodes eventually gets in, and he's shoved off the top turnbuckle apparently injuring his shoulder. Cody looks like he may have actually been injured here as Rollins was kinda going light on him with the kicks in the corner. Unless this is that new work within a work thing. But that would just be stupid.
Last time I was paying attention, The Shield were supposed to be fighting some sort of injustice. Did we ever find out what that injustice was?
Moonsault from Cody changes the tide, and I guess the shoulder is fine now. Another hot tag segment lead to Daniel Bryan being tagged in, and predictably, he is a house ON fire. Beautiful German suplex from Bryan to Rollins.
Cody, Bryan and Goldust win by disqualification, but that isn't enough for Triple HHHHHHH. The match continues, Randy Orton comes out, shoves a prone Bryan back into the ring, and The Shield wins it.
2 and a half stars. Formula, but at least it was more entertaining than the previous tag matches, ESPECIALLY the boring CM Punk R-Truth tag match. Post-match is a Shield beat down. Yawn. Golddust gets the majority of the beat down, and Big Show comes out. I guess even if you're fired, you still get a musical entrance.
The imagery of Hunter hiding behind The Shield is great, as it makes me remember the guidelines that WWE gave to game reviewing sites, saying that Hunter could never be shown in a vulnerable position. Big show fights through their numbers, and knocks out Triple H. Is he going do the same to Stephanie at some point? She's just so easy to hate as an on-screen character.
Not bad for a guy who somehow inherited a knockout punch by losing to Floyd Mayweather. Bryan ends the show by celebrating with the crowd to Big Show's music. Again, I guess the music guys didn't get the memo.
Conclusion:
This was an UTTERLY forgettable RAW, and a terrible one to get reacquainted with the product to. While the opening segment was pretty good, and the Sandow-Ziggler and main event matches were perfectly acceptable, the rest was absolute paint-by-numbers filler.
Not looking forward to next week.
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